today, 10...

nick's always got some form of "come-hither" going on when he looks at me.
a decade later, he still sees me as beautiful.
suppositories and babies and scars and bit (a lot) of sagginess later -
he still loves me.
and there is no "in-spite-of" in his love, no disclaimers...

it is simply love.

ten years later we are still so in love.
i can barely put into words what it means to me to have nick as a partner -
to know what he has had to do in our marriage,
the worries, burdens he has carried.

and for those that know what the inside of our lives looks like
(few do, we're pretty private/hermit-ish)
you would know that i spoil nick.
not just with food, home and love -
but with my emotional needs.

i'm not the kind of girl to stomp and tirade,
to demand gestures of romanticism or have much of a need for emotional validation.
i've worked hard to independent and emotionally stable.
i've worked hard to have a marriage where we stay up late talking politics or books or kids,
laughing at some stupid show or youtube video while we do the dishes,
or even laying on the couch with our legs intertwined as we read out loud to eachother. 

and nick may not be the type of guy to make big gestures,
and i may not be "spoiled" in any traditional/social marketing sort of way -
but i can tell you this -

nick has been my hero.
he has done things for me that many man wouldn't have the fortitude to do.
when push comes to shove, nick has nursed me, bathed me, cared for me and loved me through it all.
he's held me when i cried, held my feet to the fire when i wouldn't -
carried the burden of all our worries and fears when i was diagnosed and refused to carry them for myself.

and it's taken a huge toll on us -
our energy, happiness and outlook on life has waned over the last little bit,
but a decade later, with what feels like 40 years of hardened wisdom on our backs,
we keep on pushing forward -
we keep laughing and writing love notes and having the hard talks.
we keep communicating and evolving,
growing as individuals so we can grow as a couple -
so we can grow as a family.

so, while most of you see the silly, self-deprecating facade my husband puts out to the world,
i'm in love with the soft spoken, deeply curious, intelligent, articulate and passionate man i married ten years ago.
he is what i never believed possible,
the partner i didn't think i could ever have,
the person i can be myself with.

i've always said that a good marriage makes both people better.
not in a "you complete me" sort of way,
but in a "you inspire me to be a better version of myself" sort of way.

i am better because of you, nick.
i am a better mother, a better writer, friend, woman, giver, taker and everything in between -
because of you.

i cherish every single day i have with you.
i cherish every breath, every moment and hope we many more together.

thanks for the ten years we've had.
thanks for the deep friendship we built the two years before that.
i don't know who we would be without those two years,
those nights spent talking under the stars while you played the guitar.
the songs you wrote, the words we spoke, the innocence of every moment, every kiss.

i know your soul.
i know your value.
i know your goodness.

we built our foundation on friendship, love, sweet moments and innocence.
we built our family with words and thoughts, deeds and actions, boundaries and limits.
we experienced loss and pain, growth and joy.
we had babies and love and cherished every moment with them.
and then we were forged by fire, forced to bend with winds of change,
as life rolled over us and swept us along.
but even as we were tumbled about, here and there, the ups and downs -
the storms of it all almost overcoming us at times,
you held my hand and i held yours.
we never let go.
i will never let go.

i love you, my funny boy.
bb.